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Years in Forlorn

“In a world that we seldom understand, there are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometime, they gust with the fury of a hurricane, sometime; they barely fan one’s cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, bringing as they often do a future that is impossible to ignore”.

She was the wind that I did not anticipate that will gust more strongly than I ever imagined possible. She was my destiny in which I always promised find myself solace in. Like a cautious traveler, I tried to protect myself from the wind and lost my soul instead when the wind I anticipated to be more of a fan, gusted to blew off to eternity. I was a fool to ignore the harsh destiny I have ever confronted yet, there was nothing I could have done than to be silently the victim of crooked fate. I have come to realize that she was the most important thing I have had in this world ever.

February 2005, it was 6 months after we, as a couple received a child (son) into our world. We were filled with all elation and glory and even for that matter, we promised to live all ourselves for this little member of the family. Then, we have put all of ourselves into this guy, making sure he grows up to like any other, meeting the bountiful expectations of all of us.

His eye grew brighter day after day as did his body. Soon, he could mumble, “Apa”. She was the wind that I did not anticipate that will gust more strongly than I ever imagined possible. She was my destiny in which I always promised find myself solace in. Like a cautious traveler, I tried to protect myself from the wind and lost my soul instead when the wind I anticipated to be more of a fan, gusted to blew off to eternity. I was a fool to ignore the harsh destiny I have ever confronted yet, there was nothing I could have done than to be silently the victim of crooked fate. I have come to realize that she was the most important thing I have had in this world.

When you threatened to breath your last and leave me and my innocent son back in this samsara, I know I should have tried harder to stop you. Yet when all failed, the only option left for me was to keep watching, you slowly go into deep black sleep from where you are never going to wake up. Yet, I survive consoling myself and accepting the truth that this is what everyone must go through.

But most of all, I was wrong to deny what was obvious in my heart, that I can’t go on without you. You are right about everything. When we sat together, I tried to deny the things you were saying even though I knew they were true. Like a man who gazes only backward on a trip across country, I ignored what lay ahead. I missed the beauty of a coming sunrise, the wonders of anticipation that makes life worthwhile.

It was wrong of me to do that, a product of my confusion, and I wish I had come to understand that sooner. Now, though, with my gaze fixed towards the future, I see your face and hear your voice, certain that this is the path I must follow. It is my deepest wish that you give me one more chance but only if this is possible. Sadly enough, nothing of such could be done.

For the first few days after you left, I wanted to believe that nothing happened since the truth was very hard to bear. The bed we slept together, we rooms we lived together, the bathroom we used together, all had their own stories to tell me about you. I kept telling myself this is not the things, that should happen with me. But, I always had the one truth that you are no more with me. And surely I must go on as I always had. But I couldn’t. Every time, I watched the sun go down, I think of you. I could only think of you and wonderful time we had. I knew in my heart that my life would never be same again. I wanted you back more than I imagined possible. Yet, whenever I conjured you up, I kept hearing your words in our last conversation. No matter how much I loved you, I knew it wasn’t going to be possible.

I confirmed to be troubled by these thought. Late last night, I had a dream of you. You were always as pretty and kind as you used to be. You love me immensely as you used to do when you are alive. What a dream it was? I saw you alive and we were sharing our time, dreams and plans together. But when I awoke, I felt empty and alone. The dream did not comford me rather, it made me ache inside because of what the truth was. I finally pulled myself, I knew what I had to do. With shaking hands, I write this letter in which I finally bid you a final adieu.
Here comes another February as it does every year. Of all, this February of 2010 is one most distressing month for me. This is because, that was the most abhorrence month I have spent in the hospital trying to keep her alive.

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